Tag Archives: Daughter

Oct 26 2011

What is in a name?

image by fbcjaxwatchdog.blogspot.com

What is in a name? How much importance does our name carry and what does it mean to a child?

On my son’s birth certificate, his surname is his fathers.  At the time, obviously you don’t think about the possibilities of not staying together so the name for me was not a major point of discussion.  Once we had separated, I started to feel uncomfortable whenever I had to use both our surnames, for example making a doctor’s appointment and so on.  I could sense people looking at me in a particular way, questioning my relationship with ‘MY’ child and acting curious of the background behind the two different names when read out loud. I had to deal with this and I did without anyone really knowing how it was cutting me up inside.  Then, one day my son started to question the difference in our names.  He was also suffering and it was causing him confusion and despair and he let me know he wanted the same as Mummy. I tried to explain the legal side although I did this poorly and quite possibly caused more confusion for the poor soul, however I did my best. I also explained what I thought was morally the right answer as I did not know better

As time passed, my son kept bringing up the subject of his name and asking if he could have the same one as me.  I felt awful as I wasn’t sure of the right answer to give him.  After some thorough researching and checking on my court orders, we (my son and I) came to the decision we would change it and we did.  My son’s name is now hyphenated with my surname first and his father’s second.  I had an appointment with the school principal who agreed graciously with the new name and from the following year, my son took on a new identity almost and he had never been happier.  I sensed he felt more connected with me now we shared a name and over time, my part of the name is more used than the other.

As I have sole responsibility (which in the older term was known as sole custody), I actually have the right to apply to get a new birth certificate with the desired name.  This is certainly on our ‘to do list’ and once we can afford this, we will be changing the name officially.  My son’s father was not happy about this decision at all and at times has caused stress and grief, and an overreaction causing embarrassment, yet at the end of the day it was in the best interest of the child. In my case, it was my son’s choice and after much discussion and counselling of the idea, I supported him and his decision and it could not have worked out any better.

I ask you if you, have been in a similar situation – if so, what did or would you do?

Do you feel it was right that I changed the name of my son although different to what is on his birth certificate?

Do you feel this decision takes anything away from the father, particularly if they do not play a major role in the child’s lives?

I would love to hear your comments and discuss this subject as I feel for many it is a sensitive issue for all involved.

Love and Light

xo

I have found some sites for those of you who are curious about name change and children’s rights.

Ferguson Cannon Lawyers:  http://www.fclawyers.com.au/fact_finders/view/120/category:3

Births, deaths and marriages registries:  http://australia.gov.au/topics/law-and-justice/births-deaths-and-marriages-registries

Australian Human Rights Commission – Children’s Rights:    http://www.hreoc.gov.au/human_rights/children/index.html

Sep 5 2011

I’m sorry!

Please do not say you are sorry. Do you know what you are saying sorry for?

Perhaps this statement is a little harsh without explaining the meaning behind it and I feel an explanation is in order.

Let me rewind nine years ago and when I became a single parent. My darling son was only 14 months old at the time. To finally make that choice
to be on my own emotionally and to act on it physically was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Although I knew in my heart and soul it was the right thing, it still did not make it easier. I was in the relationship with my son’s father for seven years. I met him when at the tender age of 21, I thought he was fantastic. We always had a fiery relationship and I do take responsibility for my part in the demise of the breakdown and breakup.

I am a Scorpio; very passionate with a sting. I am told more than once (I dare to admit) apparantly I have a look which can kill on the spot. I do tend to forget but I do not forgive and all this adds to my makeup of who I am. On the other hand of being a Scorpio, I am a very passionate person, I am extremely loyal, I am vulnerable and feel I put others first before myself. Like anyone else, there is good with the bad.

To get back to how I became a single parent; we were young, carefree and the only thing important was to have a great time which we did have…in the beginning. I was 26 when I fell pregnant. Some may say this is young, some may not; yet before this, I had travelled overseas (on my own), lived out of home for years, did the party scene for many years and basically had a fulfilling life. I was not planning on becoming pregnant, not at this stage in my life.  I felt totally blessed when I found out I was pregnant with my son as I was diagnosed with Endometriosis at the age of 19 and had already suffered two miscarriages. I honestly thought I could not have a child, and although I was not sure if I would be raising this child up alone, there was no other option than to keep him. I had a difficult pregnancy as I was sick 24/7 along with fighting food poisoning twice which both times lasted over two weeks. I had a virus throughout the pregnancy and in the last couple of months suffered sciatica. In addition to the ill-health I endured, I also suffered emotional, mental and physical abuse which only seemed to get worse as the pregnancy progressed. I will not go into details, yet it was absolutely horrible and I felt helpless. I did not want my child to become another statistic or go through what I went through having separated parents myself from a young age. I tried to make the relationship work, I did everything that I could within my power, but it was not working.  By the time my son had turned one, I knew what I had to do. One of the difficult areas of this breakup was that not many people knew about my secret life and what I had been going through. I felt responsible for my ex partner and financially and emotionally carried him for a long time after the separation as well as during the relationship.  I finally made the decision and acted on it.  As I had mentioned earlier, it was one of the hardest things I have done, but also one of the bravest things.  I really did not know how I was going to survive yet I knew my son and I would be better off than staying in an extremely unhealthy environment.

Throughout the time of the separation and even now when people find out I am a single parent, their response is…”I’m sorry”. Why be sorry? I can understand people feeling compassion, sympathy and empathy yet please don’t be sorry that I am a single parent. It is one of the best things I have done and from making this choice, I have created a happier, healthier, more loving and balanced life for my son and myself. I embrace being a single parent as I know how my life was and what it would have been if I had stayed in that situation.

Mind you, in saying this, being a single parent is probably the other hardest thing I have had to go through. I am still learning and feeling the hardship of being on my own raising a child. I feel there are many organisations, information and places for people in my situation, yet to find these is very hard. This is the reasoning behind my Blog. My vision is to provide information I have found beneficial through my journey as a single parent. Unless you are in this situation yourself, you really do not know what it is like. You can imagine, that is for sure, just as I can imagine what it would be like being in a two parent situation raising a child. I know it is something I want to feel and share with my son, to become a larger family. I feel in being a single parent, society can title us with a certain image, a certain persona which isn’t always right or fair. On the flip side, we can embrace this title as it shows we are strong-willed, a sound mind and we are quite powerful within our own right.

In thinking about another term to use rather than “sorry”, perhaps there is another word that could be used. To be honest, I am not sure of what that could be and maybe someone could suggest a term that we all feel fits just right?