I’m sorry!

Please do not say you are sorry. Do you know what you are saying sorry for?

Perhaps this statement is a little harsh without explaining the meaning behind it and I feel an explanation is in order.

Let me rewind nine years ago and when I became a single parent. My darling son was only 14 months old at the time. To finally make that choice
to be on my own emotionally and to act on it physically was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Although I knew in my heart and soul it was the right thing, it still did not make it easier. I was in the relationship with my son’s father for seven years. I met him when at the tender age of 21, I thought he was fantastic. We always had a fiery relationship and I do take responsibility for my part in the demise of the breakdown and breakup.

I am a Scorpio; very passionate with a sting. I am told more than once (I dare to admit) apparantly I have a look which can kill on the spot. I do tend to forget but I do not forgive and all this adds to my makeup of who I am. On the other hand of being a Scorpio, I am a very passionate person, I am extremely loyal, I am vulnerable and feel I put others first before myself. Like anyone else, there is good with the bad.

To get back to how I became a single parent; we were young, carefree and the only thing important was to have a great time which we did have…in the beginning. I was 26 when I fell pregnant. Some may say this is young, some may not; yet before this, I had travelled overseas (on my own), lived out of home for years, did the party scene for many years and basically had a fulfilling life. I was not planning on becoming pregnant, not at this stage in my life.  I felt totally blessed when I found out I was pregnant with my son as I was diagnosed with Endometriosis at the age of 19 and had already suffered two miscarriages. I honestly thought I could not have a child, and although I was not sure if I would be raising this child up alone, there was no other option than to keep him. I had a difficult pregnancy as I was sick 24/7 along with fighting food poisoning twice which both times lasted over two weeks. I had a virus throughout the pregnancy and in the last couple of months suffered sciatica. In addition to the ill-health I endured, I also suffered emotional, mental and physical abuse which only seemed to get worse as the pregnancy progressed. I will not go into details, yet it was absolutely horrible and I felt helpless. I did not want my child to become another statistic or go through what I went through having separated parents myself from a young age. I tried to make the relationship work, I did everything that I could within my power, but it was not working.  By the time my son had turned one, I knew what I had to do. One of the difficult areas of this breakup was that not many people knew about my secret life and what I had been going through. I felt responsible for my ex partner and financially and emotionally carried him for a long time after the separation as well as during the relationship.  I finally made the decision and acted on it.  As I had mentioned earlier, it was one of the hardest things I have done, but also one of the bravest things.  I really did not know how I was going to survive yet I knew my son and I would be better off than staying in an extremely unhealthy environment.

Throughout the time of the separation and even now when people find out I am a single parent, their response is…”I’m sorry”. Why be sorry? I can understand people feeling compassion, sympathy and empathy yet please don’t be sorry that I am a single parent. It is one of the best things I have done and from making this choice, I have created a happier, healthier, more loving and balanced life for my son and myself. I embrace being a single parent as I know how my life was and what it would have been if I had stayed in that situation.

Mind you, in saying this, being a single parent is probably the other hardest thing I have had to go through. I am still learning and feeling the hardship of being on my own raising a child. I feel there are many organisations, information and places for people in my situation, yet to find these is very hard. This is the reasoning behind my Blog. My vision is to provide information I have found beneficial through my journey as a single parent. Unless you are in this situation yourself, you really do not know what it is like. You can imagine, that is for sure, just as I can imagine what it would be like being in a two parent situation raising a child. I know it is something I want to feel and share with my son, to become a larger family. I feel in being a single parent, society can title us with a certain image, a certain persona which isn’t always right or fair. On the flip side, we can embrace this title as it shows we are strong-willed, a sound mind and we are quite powerful within our own right.

In thinking about another term to use rather than “sorry”, perhaps there is another word that could be used. To be honest, I am not sure of what that could be and maybe someone could suggest a term that we all feel fits just right?

6 comments on “I’m sorry!

  1. I believe the word could be brave! That was very brave of you Shell..I never realised our stories were so alike. I too left my son’s father after his first birthday, because of a distructive relationship, and I too tried to make it work for a as long as I could, because at first I was too scared to grasp the thought of being a single parent to yet another child. I had no hesitation when I left my daughter’s father because it wasn’t working, but there was no abuse which made it easier. However, when I woke up in hospital when my son was 15 months old I knew that nothing was ever going to change unless I helped myself. For many years after leaving him I was still supporting him (through intimidation), and it took me until a few years ago to stand up to him, and my rights. Another word could be girl power, because it takes a lot of strength to admit something is not right, and you need to fix it…Love your work shell..Keep it up!

    • Thank you for sharing your story with me. Its sad to know there are so many that perhaps share a similar story, yet I have nothing to hide. I was the victim in this and more so my son has been. I don’t like to live as a victim and feel I have gained strength through my experience and my goal is to create the best possible environment being full of love and happiness mainly for myself and my son. I’m still working on it, as I feel most of us are in all types of situations. I hope hearing one voice, will encourage and/or comfort those who go through some hard times and come out on top. Thanks so much again for sharing and commenting on my first Blog. 🙂 xo

  2. That’s just it, isn’t it. So many parents leave their marriages to give their children a better life. These Mums and Dads should be congratulated for being brave enough to attempt raising healthy, happy and loving children on their own. Thanks for sharing Shell!

    • Thanks so much Roz for commenting. I am greatful you took the time to read my Blog. Perhaps another word to use is “Brave”as so many of us find the strength to keep going and better our lives. It is so true, both Mums and Dads need to be congratulated in all situations and as we have been told before, we are not given a manuel when we become parents and have to write the book ourselves. Thank you again 🙂 xo

  3. Power to you Shelly. I’ve walked that trail as well and I hear you loud and clear. I haven’t had anyone say “I’m sorry” to me. I don’t even know how I would reply to that. I get comments such as “you are so brave” and “I don’t know how you do it”. True, unless you’ve walked in my shoes, and yours Shelly, you wouldn’t know how I do it. But I do do it and so do thousands of parents. We’re no different to parents who have lost their partner in an accident or in war or by any other means that are not of their own doing. We do the parenting by ourselves. It’s just that we made what we believed was the best choice. To go it alone. I do it by ignoring the naysayers, scientists and do gooders who insist that a child is badly off for only having one parent. That may be so in some circumstances but not in all.

    Cas

    • Thank you Cas for commenting and what you have written rings loud to me also. I was only have a conversation last night with someone and I was expressing, more so for me when I was growing up how children from single parents are stereotyped. I remember hearing in the news if someone had done something wrong, was in trouble with the law and so on, it was always mentioned that they came from a broken family. This use to infuriate me as my Brother and myself, from a broken home and turned out just fine. Sure we have our flaws but doesn’t everyone. We are people who were brought up with high morals, much love to offer and selfless. Sadly it is more common these days for children to be from a broken family for whatever reason yet I don’t feel that it is always the parents responsibility for how a person turns out. We can only do our best which I know you and I have certainly done. Thanks Cas 🙂 xo

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