Every now and then I gasp for air, I’ve lost my breath and my heart feels heavy. Losing my father has taken me by surprise, more so than I had anticipated. Just now as I was working away and had to fill in security questions, it asked what my father’s middle name was. Bang, it hits me, this thing called grief and the tears flowed so unexpectedly.

It has only been seven months since my Dad has passed and so much has happened in my life since then that I feel I haven’t quite had the time to let go and fully grasp that I have lost a parent. At times, it can be conflicting. Conflicting because he hadn’t actually been in my life for years. I mean, I always sent him a Christmas and birthday message and politely he would reply back with a thank you but we were estranged. Our relationship had certainly been tested what felt like my lifetime, yet with many magical and loving memories along with heartache and sorrow.

Those around me I felt didn’t expect me to get so upset, or perhaps narrowing that down to immediate family because he had been absent and classified “not a great father” so to understand the grief I felt was hard to ascertain. I have felt alone with my sorrow on most points and it’s been hard. My son has been lovely and has tried to understand my loss. We both connect in having the absent father and in some ways, it can often be only he and I that are on that same page. In particular, it’s be hard on days like today when I’m hit with sadness knowing I will never speak to him again. I’ll never hear his accent or English humour nor will l ever hear him sing or play his guitar which was a highlight in my life.

What is good is that I don’t live in regret. I know all that could have been done and tried my end was done and I am at peace with that. In his last years arriving back in the UK after living in the USA for many years, so very unwell, allowed me to let go of the hurt and disappointment. It served no purpose for me or for him as he couldn’t remember anyways. Although through distance, we regained a connection, we spoke regularly and at times terribly hard to listen to his confusion and pain, we connected. He still called me “Shellybubba” at times and always thanked me for calling and returned my love you.’

On our last conversation, it wasn’t too long which was normally the case, however, it will be the one I will always remember. You see, I hadn’t called for a couple of weeks, partly due to my life crumbling apart with my own issues but also I was in fear he would forget me. I couldn’t face that he wouldn’t remember me, his daughter. After the years of heartache, feeling he wasn’t there physically or emotionally, the selfishness, the silent abuse, the manipulation – whatever it was, I was his daughter and we loved each other no matter what.

I called and we spoke about nothing really as it was hard to make a conversation with him many of the times. Sometimes better than others but often my questions were met with one word answers and then he’d become confused and excuse himself off the phone. It often broke my heart to hear what once was a strong, forthcoming, extremely intelligent man talk like a child and feel so confused. I apologised for not calling and tried to explain my reasoning and then admitted to my fear of him forgetting me with a quiver in my voice and obvious I had tears. There was a moment, this beautiful moment where he became the dad again and me the little girl. He said, “Shellybubba, I would never forget you, never. Come on now, stop those tears” and then he was gone. Back to the confused soul needing to get off the phone and go back to his comfort zone in the home. We said goodbye and told each other we loved one another.

I will never again have a Dad, my Dad here, even if absent, he’s gone.

💚 💚 💚

As Simple As It Gets…

Simple? Saying I love you is as simple as it gets.

“I love you to the moon and back” have been the special words I have spoken to my son since he was born. I have it written on an old blackboard, which I refuse to rub out and delete – they are special and I want us to read them over and over again.

I actually love him much more than that, yet to summarise it into one sentence, the words suit my purpose.

“I love you more than the stars in the universe” are also common words I say to my son and each time even if the smile these days doesn’t exactly stretch across his face, they mean the world to him.

I feel as a parent, it is very important to let our children know and feel loved and how much regularly. My son often had doubts and would query what a ‘family’ consists of.  He would have upsets regarding his father questioning why he would do certain things or act in a particular way that scared him, use the words he chose or promise things and never deliver.

My son had doubts and at times lacked loved for himself, and the one thing I did not want him to ever question was my love. It may have been words expressed through my voice, or words written on a post it note that he would find in his lunchbox, and now as he is older it is commonly found in a text and perhaps a message via social media. Whatever it is, he has always read somewhere that I love him.

I feel it is paramount as a parent to back up the words through action. It is known that often actions speak louder than words, yet what a powerful combination when we use both. We underestimate how intuitive our children are and what signs they pick up on even if we feel they have no idea…aha yet they do.

For me or should I say for my son, showing him my love could be by turning up to watch his school sports (although ideally I should have been in bed resting); becoming involved in his weekend sports through managing one team or becoming a trainer in the other (some say I’m crazy doing both); making sure I’m available for when he is ready to talk; trusting him with situations although you would rather keep him at home covered in cotton wool; allowing him his space although he knows you are near by or simply buying his favourite treats.

The list can go on as it could for all parents and it’s often the small things like it is when you’re an adult where the simple can speak volumes.

Saying “I love you” and backing it up is as simple as it gets – if you are not saying it today, perhaps you can say it tomorrow?!

Love & Light 🙂


A crisis as described by Lifeline is when someone has a personal reaction to an event or experience in their life they find hard to cope with.

In my lifetime so far…I’ve had quite a few crisis’s and each time you survive, you feel stronger yet question why the hell you had to go through it. In time you will reflect of them and yourself to help clarify things but there will always be unanswered questions.

Recently I’ve been facing another crisis and it’s been tough. I heard a woman on a TV program the other day going through something similar who said “I feel sorry for people without children as my child is what keeps me going – what do they have?”

My son is my reason, my rock, my everything and he is my purpose. He is why I get up in the morning, why I work so hard to do all I can to provide for him and create opportunities for our survival even if I get knocked down and at times fail.

There are other factors that have assisted in my purpose, my strength, my being, my courage, the occasional smile and the snippets of positiveness. These factors are simple and sometimes small but in the scheme of things they are HUGE.

‘It’s the simple things that mean the most!’

I’m sure many of you can relate. Possibly you’ve got a family who has offered to pay a bill or help with rent. Maybe you’ve had a Mum who does what she can by offering you love and affection and may help to pay for your child’s school camp and medication. I’m sure you’ve had at some point a best friend who feels she isn’t doing much but the fact she is calling every second day to check on you is more than you could ever ask for.

What about when your fridge broke down in the midst of this crisis and the refrigeration mechanic after spending time chatting takes some money off the amount he quoted you. He tells you to spend it on something else. You do.  You buy that part for the vacuum finally and can now clean your house and doesn’t it look and feel fabulous.

Maybe it’s the random phone call or the out of the blue gesture that helps you feel real, human, alive and grateful. It could be that dear friend who shouts you a coffee or offers you a day’s work more often than normal just to give you that extra cash to help you through.

It is the simple things that can make you smile even if it is for a moment. The simple things that help you feel loved and cared for.

For the simple things that mean so much – THANK YOU – you know who you are! xo

A reflection of the past…

image courtesty of sondheimguide.com

For some reason I feel inclined to share with you a poem I wrote.  This particular poem as I have always written poetry has a place very close to my heart.  After I broke up with my son’s father, I did not write or sing for over two years.  I didn’t feel the passion inside me and both writing and singing has always been a passion of mine. I then after many years met a guy who I thought possibly could be the one.  He inspired me enough to write poetry again. Sadly, he did not see the significance in this and had lost the original.  This poem in which I am sharing with you, was actually entered in an international poetry competition. I did have to cull the wording so it is half of the original size.  To my surprise I made it to one of the semi finalists and it got published in a book called “Timeless Voices”, my poem is the first one you read.  Wow, the first one. I do not really know if it was a scam or not and I wont go there. I have always wanted to publish two books. One of the books I dream of is to publish all of my poems I have written over the years and the other…I’m still working on that theme.

I remember being at an event and there was a popular journalist there for The Australian. We got talking about writing and I was saying how wonderful his job would be. He turned to me and said, “But I cannot say I am a published poet”. Those words will forever be inscribed in my brain and for that acknowledgement, I feel I have accomplished one of my dreams.  Please enjoy as I share with you something that has such significance in my life.

The journey of love

The wind is blowing in my hair
The feeling of freedom within
The sunset is in the distance
And so our journey begins

The sun rises, what a glorious day
The rays streaming through the trees
The breeze is nurturing and soft
You by my side, oh yes please

True as the nature around us
Which moves like our surroundings
Yet feelings of purity between us
The heart keeps on pounding

When on loses its breath
And the heart skips a beat
The fear of losing such vision
And giving in to defeat

Defeat of the heart
That someone like you can take
The reality of this journey
The scenery we can make

Love, Light and Peace 🙂 xo

BANG…the year is off to a start

image by esextonbrown.wordpress.com

 It has been some time since I have last written a post and I am now finding myself in a space to write and share what has been happening in my world of late.

I had all hopes that 2012 was going to be “the year” and enough of the bad and bring on the good. I do not mean or want to sound negative in saying that line, however so far…the year has continued to be challenging. What does surprise me is the personal journey I am on and even though I can be at my all-time low, I still manage (within time), to pick myself up and just get on with it.

At the end of last year as I had expressed in my last post, times were tough financially and I did manage to get through Christmas and the holidays and surprisingly, have now caught up on most of my bills. Mind you, this was achieved by a very minimal social life for moi and budgeting greatly to achieve this, and there is a great feeling knowing I did it. At the same time of dealing with finances, I was studying throughout the Christmas season which is always a killer. When you study via distance, there is no break, no time off to relax and really get away as the pending assignment is always hanging over your head. In particular when you study in semester four which is the festive season, you are also dealing with the body and mind winding down as it is exhausted and requires time to re-coup for the start of the New Year. What I found is I had lost my mojo; my mojo with life, studies and worse, with myself.  During this time of year, I became very ill and almost had a meltdown; well I did have a meltdown and was extremely depressed. I had major digestive issues; in fact I started the year literally having to have treatment to assist this problem. I was under guidance from my God Mother who is a neuropath and another specialist in the area and with some patience; I am slowly getting on top of it. It was as though I was living on adrenalin and I came crashing down big time to an enormous thump.

My work situation has declined in a major way and from working with three people having a stress free job, two have left leaving me to manage the situation, all mind you without being compensated for my efforts and time. I do praise myself for having a high work ethic and strong morals and because of this, I am doing everything within my power to keep the organisation afloat in my region although I am not always acknowledged for it. Yes I get a ‘thank you’ but this can only go so far when the pressure keeps building and the expectations of management keep rising. My motto now for my employers is “I am doing my best and will always endeavour to do my best”. This is a true statement and one I believe in, however it is costing me on an emotional and physical level. I was out of the blue offered the “perfect job “without even looking for it yet sadly, the universe served me a curve ball and what I thought was my light in saviour – didn’t happen. I looked at what could possibly be positive about this scenario and what I discovered is that the situation allowed me to find strength to face my current work situation and actually say no to the acting up role they proposed. I had to put my studies and my son first which both had been affected by the turmoil in my current work place.  In saying that, I am still doing the “acting up” role but now without extra pay so we can see the one winner here…not me.  I am dealing with the situation (for now) and I am aware and grateful knowing it is assisting in paying for a roof over our heads and am allowing the universe for things to come my way – good or bad, we have a choice.

I have distanced myself from friends, my self-esteem sadly is at its lowest and at times, I feel as though I have been a horrible mother due to my lack of patience. I do anything for my boy and he is and always will be my priority and I guess this is something we can thrive on, to pick ourselves up and get on with it. The one thing my son made me promise is that I play with him more as I promised it last year and didn’t fulfil it. So far, I’m doing ok and he isn’t complaining so that is a tick to me. I am still a work in progress, yet I know I am very loved, I am blessed with the most amazing people in my life and I respect them. I have a wonderful family who I adore and my son is the light in my life and the most precious gift I have ever received.

I am not sure just yet, how to get the smile permanently back on my face. I am doing small things like increasing my visits to the gym, eating healthy and keeping my goals in sight so I never lose sight of them. I do believe it is an inner attitude and something I need to face and concur myself. I know I am not alone as so many of us have our bouts of depression and sadness and sometimes there is not a real reason of why it is happening only that it is.  Being a single parent, we do not have that ‘other’ person to talk to as in a partner to share our lives. It is us and our children and this alone can be daunting, sad and frustrating.

image by weheartit.com

Valentine’s Day is just another marketing ploy really and every day, not just 14th February should be about making that special someone knows they are loved, respected and cherished.  Sadly however, due to all the hype, it does make that notion of being ‘single ‘more apparent and I personally felt it this year. I did ask a few of my special little souls in my life (aged, 3, 5, 7 & 10) to be my Valentine with the offering of chocolate in the shape of kisses.  The kids were stoked to receive something naughty and their smiles made a difference. I did get a cup of tea

from my boy (with promoting) brought to me in bed in the morning and then the day progressed like any other normal day. I guess the moral of the story is, we make the most of what we have. Next year could bring something new, something wild and exciting, something full of happiness and possibilities.  The same could be said for next month, next week and even tomorrow. Now I have had my little therapy in expressing all this to you and have given myself the pep talk needed, I shall get on with my day, trying to wear that smile proud and wishing you all the love and light for your next day, next week and so on.

Until next time…

Love, Light and Peace 🙂