Tag Archives: Single Parenting

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Apr 28 2018

PERSPECTIVE – OUR OWN STORY

Something that has become apparent to me and has helped my perception with my own story of late is that EVERYONE has THEIR own story. Regardless to how big or small, who are any of us to judge the significance of that story. No matter how old we are, what hurts, challenges and transforms us does not have any barrier to it.

It may be the loss of a love one or the waiting for the imminent to happen; your first broken heart or any heartache; losing a job or at times excruciatingly waiting for that next opportunity; a sufferer of abuse either it be from someone or to yourself. The mix of emotion no matter the action or feeling can be suffocating and there can sometimes be no words, no hug or embrace, no circumstance to help that sensation.

Besides from learning patience, another of my life’s lessons I feel has been understanding perspective (mind you the list of lessons is a mile long). I think it is very easy for someone who is struggling, has endured a ‘hard life’ or even just a challenging moment to be in the mindset of a victim.  It is easy to find blame or excuses or be inclined to use the term “why me”.

An article from Forbes brilliantly helps us to distinguish between a classic victim mindset versus a victor mindset by using a coin as a metaphor. One side of the coin is old and dull and represents the classic victim mindset. The other side is clean and bright representing the victor mindset.

If you’re in the victim mindset, you will be focusing on the toss of the coin to determine your outcomes and plans. The possibility is that it could land on the bright side and only we have the power to not put our perspective and life goals in the hands of flipping a coin in hope it lands on the right side.

Another article that articulates well the steps to take to gain perspective and get out of that feeling that life is spiralling away from us –  the ‘victim mindset’ is from A Conscious Rethink. How we choose to deal with hardship and calamities can be broken down to five steps:

  • Owning our mistakes – sometimes we are the bane of unwanted outcomes, however, that is ok because we are human. Own it and acknowledge that sometimes outcomes are beyond our control
  • Freeing yourself from the need of an emotional high of sympathy – Do not rely on a constant source of sympathy from those around you. Own your life and emotions and believe there is worth in all you do.
  • Free yourself of self-pity – Self-pity does not serve a purpose to anyone. When given to others it’s a case of “thank goodness its not me” or on the flip side “why me” and “poor me”. Turn this pattern around to offer compassion, admiration and tolerance to yourself and others.
  • The realisation you are not being judged – this is one of the hardest things to overcome. We need to accept and acknowledge what we are doing or have done. No matter how big the stuff up noticed or not, we can get out of the victimhood mentality and just be in the now and let things flow.
  • Review your life – look at all areas no matter how big or small, how significant or insignificant it is and start making notes. Mark down what turns you on and off, what career you want, the kind of people you like to hang around, what makes you smile and cry, what infuriates you and excites you, what you like to eat and drink and environments that you feel safe in or not. Assess the positives and negatives in your life, either it be in a physical or emotional form and start to align yourself with what is RIGHT for you. Don’t think about it or ponder too long, make the change and start now.

I was speaking with my twin the other day and we were talking about the ‘victims’ we’ve had in our lives and how influential they have been on ourselves and those around them. We understand it can be easy (or perhaps easier) to fall into that mindset and not take responsibility of what, why, when and how. We both realised areas in our lives or moments when we were both in the victimhood yet have acknowledged that mindset and have over time gained perspective.

We have assessed our lives and ourselves and continue to do so. We both want to be the best version of ourselves and hold on to that perspective that we all have a story. How we chose to read it and play it out is up to us. By doing this, we are providing a much healthier, happier, consistent, loving, spiritual and harmonious life for our children.

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“This world has chased saints and angels away. What you and I will not allow it to do is convince us we have no power over its ills. We are not victims of some amorphous, grinning Chance: we are gods of our own making.” ~ A Conscious ReThink

Oct 18 2016

I had a good day

My last post was quite raw, insightful and dark. The element of support that has accumulated from the post has been on many levels and I’m increasingly appreciative of the love given (thank you!). Some of the feedback received has indicated that although the post moved them, some even to tears, it was heavy, powerful and a sad read.

With that in mind, I felt it was in order to keep things this time upbeat and share with you not all things are doom and gloom and that people who suffer whatever it may be, do have moments of sunshine, smile and can feel happy.

I had a good day…

One of my current challenges is to lose weight and get my fitness back on track. My weigh in day is on the weekend although I don’t make it weekly. Why? I try to tell myself it’s due to other commitments, which has an element of truth, however, the other side of it is because of fear. Fear = gained weight = failure but that’s another story. On this day I had set my alarm with the intent of going. If I have gained or had a loss I will be fine no matter the outcome (this was a mantra the night before). I had also made a point that I was going to my son, a major motivating factor. I did get up – pat on the back. Once at the weigh in that is also like a support and information group, I was among like-minded people who are committed to changing their lives and finding happiness within themselves – this gives me comfort. On this particular day, I was rather chatty (not unlike me generally) but I had let go of some walls and opened up a little to other members where we shared further insights into our lives and challenges. I felt comfortable, I felt supported. I treated myself to a proper coffee and with my small loss (no failure – bonus) I headed home to share with my son who anticipates my result.

I had a good day….

Once back home and knowing I needed to get to the shops I decided to walk.  I had the time and wanted to keep the momentum going from the morning. I love this walk through the university and local parklands. I took different routes up and back as both offered their own beauty and significance. The journey up was through the streets onto parklands, finding my own little oasis, ignoring any outside influences such as traffic, pedestrians and machinery. I had my headphones in listening to music which transports me to other places and is my mood changer. I was in the zone, I had a beat in my step and I felt surprisingly good.

I had a good day…

I pottered knowing I had time on my side. I bumped into my best friend and received a snuggle which was an extra bonus. I met with another dear friend where we chattered away over coffee talking about nothing in particular but covering everything.

I had a good day…

Walking home I took the university route. I simply love this way home. There are umpteenth varieties of bird life; the grass always seems so green; the calibre of people range from students through to dignitaries, locals, families, international guests and at times depending on the crowd and the weather, you can be mistaken of being in a foreign land – yet it is in my backyard. I stopped to take photos, to cherish what was around me, in front and behind me.

I had a good day…

Once home I met my twin brother and gave him a massage (an old trade of mine) to help his aching bones. We then chattered and laughed and felt freedom to just be who we are and more importantly with each other.  We talked, again it was about everything and nothing. It was nice, comforting would be the word, an essence of home both in presence and in spirit with my brother and my feelings. I was allowed to feel, to express with no judgement and reflect on the day.

I had a good day…

The famous saying “it’s the simple things that count and make us happy” couldn’t be any truer for me this day. It was the loss, although small I had accomplished something. It was shedding some walls and opening myself up to a support group with like-minded people. It was making the decision to walk to the shops and not drive and take in my surroundings and feeling appreciative with my environment and what I have in my backyard. It was catching up with dear darling friends and grabbing those extra snuggles that mean so much (I can never get enough). It was having precious time with my brother and feeling the freedom to be me no matter if it was to shed a tear, be silly, share a laugh and without judgement. It was finishing the day collecting my son from work and getting that final snuggle of the day from the one who most holds my heart.

I had a good day!

I hope you’re finding strength in the small things. Each step you take moving forward is a success.

Love, light and snuggles 🙂

Jun 26 2015

Parenting is a Privilege

My son deserves a champion in his life, one who will never give up on him. A person who understands the importance of the connection between a parent and a child and one who insists he becomes the best person he can possibly be.

I would like to think I am that person.

What I find just as important is that my son is my champion, my connection and my motivation to become the best person and parent I can possibly be.

I did not think it was possible to love my child any more than the moment he was born, yet I did.  My heart continues to make space for this growing love.

What a privilege it is being a parent – I’m so honoured!

Love and Light 🙂

Nov 19 2014

Anxiety is a bitch – moving on can be hard!

We’ve all had to do this on many occasions I am sure – make that final decision or any decision for that matter so we can move on. Move on either mentally, emotionally or physically.

In my case for now one of the main things that have been causing me major anxiety (an ongoing condition) that I keep putting off writing a blog on the trip of a lifetime I had with my son just over a month ago. I had all intensions to write regularly and share my journey. In one sense I did do this via my Facebook page, yet that was for a limited audience and I was happy with that but it was not what I had intended. I wanted everyone to witness and possibly learn some things along the way of traveling with a teenager and how I dealt with and embraced it. Writing makes me happy, very happy and it is something I have wanted to do since I was very young. My dream is to write a book and have my little piece of influence in the world.

Anxiety is a bitch – it’s a wretched thing and most recently has overtaken my life since I returned from my holiday.

This to some may seem like nothing and definitely not worth causing anxiety. However, those who suffer it, either it be alongside with stress or mixed with depression will relate. We cannot always, actually very rarely in my opinion control our outbreaks or triggers. The writing and not fulfilling my intention for me, has been a trigger. It is not all that has caused my anxiety, but has been one of the major factors.

What I find important is that I have acknowledge my recent depression and in particular anxiety. It may take hours, days, weeks to REALLY acknowledge it, yet when it happens I think we deserve a pat of the back.

Yesterday I had a bloody horrible day. I was shortness of breath all day, my heart was pounding, I suffered yet another migraine which seems to be a common occurrence and was pretty much bedridden. I spoke to a couple of people but not in depth about it, yet enough to realise what was happening. I struggled through the day to get a little bit of work done, some job searching and follow ups and that was enough to feel slightly productive and less guilty for riding off a day. I was sad and empty!

Today, a new day, a busy day with work and my spirits were lighter. I think I had an epiphany very early this morning or something close to it…for me. I realised that I could let go of writing this blog of step by step of my story and just share what I did on Facebook. It’s not great, articulately it’s not correct in many areas, I use slang, and my tense is all over the place BUT it does wrap up my trip. My friends kept telling me how great my updates were and that they felt they were on the journey with me. This actually was my intent, although not quite as planned.

Anxiety is a bitch but I’m moving on and working on getting over this latest episode. Will I be successful – who knows. I’ve got so many other things to deal with right now but this is one thing I can mark off my mental list.

Soooo… for those that are interested please read on for my final wrap up on our trip of a lifetime as taken from my Facebook page which was shared with friends, and now I’m sharing it with you.

Love, Light, acceptance and snuggles 🙂 xo

Vietnam, Cambodia, Phuket & a Teenager – Trip of a Lifetime

First day in Vietnam we were conned into buying street donuts, bananas, having our shoes “apparently” repaired, tried Vietnam’s idea of coffee but was yum, learnt a lesson in the need to barter and understand currency, and Jack captured some beautiful scenery along the way.

We had an amazing trip to Ha Long Bay and stayed overnight on a junk boat. Way beyond our expectations with our own room and bathroom, fantastic food and service, $4 cocktails, kayaking, swam at the beach, walked a zillion stairs to fabulous views, visited an awesome cave, learning history, and building great friendships.

Train ride from Hanoi to Hue was a challenge to say the least but playing a card game called ‘Asshole’ 😉 helped pass a few hours. It was gruelling trip with the train driver being very heavy footed on the break but thankfully we arrived in Hue safe and sound. Hue was absolutely beautiful (my fav place in Vietnam) and we had the privilege of taking a motorbike tour to the country side (major highlight). We visited an old museum with a gorgeous 78yr old displaying to us the old way of harvesting rice. We visited a temple and I loved hearing the monks chant and watched Buddhist pay their respect by prayer. Hue is very cultural, pretty, sacred…special.

The next part of our trip was to Hoi An, another favourite. We were here for 3 days and was able to get clothes made, do a cooking class (look out dinner party coming soon) followed by a bucket of cocktails, went on a bike tour which was fabulous, rode a buffalo (YES YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY), a ride in a very, very slow boat into the heart of Hoi An (very pretty), drank cheap but yummy beer, which I’ve now grown accustomed too, and great food at some of the most delicious restaurants.

Last part of our Vietnam tour arriving in Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) and must say it was our least favourite of places we had visited. Less cultural than others, people and sites were different – basically a very different vibe to where we had been. The people, however, who we travelled with, did not disappoint and my heart aches now knowing that our time together has come to an end. In Saigon we visited the War Museum which brought me to tears, visited the Cu Chi Tunnels (OMG) and our guide who survived the war was truly inspiration. We shot a riffle for the first time (ouch on the shoulder), crawled in the tunnels and I only survived 20m, however, Jack did much better than me (YAY Jack), ate Mexican in Vietnam, Jack went to his first club (we kept a good eye on him), and then had our final farewell dinner and drinks, a few more drinks and we behaved 😉

The chapter in our adventure was to Siem Reap, Cambodia, where we met our Mama/Mimi and had 3 awesome nights together before Mimi had to leave to teach her international retreat. In our time here we gate crashed a cultural Indian dance concert (not really, well sort of), we visited the Cambodian Circus which was unreal, shopped at the local markets, and enjoyed the hotel for relaxation. I LOVED my 4 post bed and wished I could have packed it away to bring home with me. We visited the Angkor Wat, Bayon, & Ta Prohm (my fav) Temples. Our last day we did the Flight of the Gibbon – flying fox through the jungle with the highest point getting to 45m and the longest run was 310m (a couple of panic attacks were had – it’s high I’m telling you). Our last night in Cambodia was catching up with some of our Vietnam crew and that made it even more special. It was fabulous having this time with my Mum overseas and my boy (3 generations) as it’s something we’ve wanted to do for years.

Our last part of the journey and this chapter of our travels book was Phuket in Thailand. After a couple of disappointing and fairly miserable days due to torrential rain and the hotel of choice, things picked up. We visited the Tiger Kingdom and what an experience with two great new Aussie friends Jess & Ivan. It was a last minute plan after our elephant tour was cancelled due to bad weather, but was meant to be. Something we’ll always remember.
We finally did our tour starting with a brilliant time down the rapids which was pretty full on. Both Jack and I couldn’t get the smile off our faces. We then went on an elephant tour and visited a beautiful waterfall. We’re smiling and feeling happy. Next tour as the rain stayed away finally in our last couple of days was a Quad Bike tour through the East side of Phuket including a jungle terrain and near the beach. We rode in pumped out Tuk Tuk’s, shopped, ate and had a few cocktails at Hooters, watched the Grand Final to see South’s win, part-took in a pool party, ate (oh I’ve already said that lol), walked the beach in between downpours, chilled in our hotel room and overall enjoyed each other’s company.

This truly is a trip of a lifetime and one that I would recommend to everyone to do! Travelling with your teen is great, fabulous, enjoyable, totally AWESOME or maybe it’s just that my son ROCKS! Either way, what a ride, what an adventure, what a journey, and I can’t wait for the next chapter which we’re already starting to thinking about. 🙂 xo

Dec 20 2011

Ho Ho Ho…Santa is just a sleigh away

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How are you all feeling with Christmas only around the corner and the New Year is shortly to follow?  I personally am feeling exhausted and am looking forward to having some quiet time without the normal hustle and bustle of life, if only for a few days.

Time has got away from me of late and I have not been able to write as many posts as I would have liked and there is always too much to write than what time permits.  The one thing I wanted to talk about is how some of us, this time of year can really find it hard to make ends meet.  If you are anything like me, the last thing you want to happen is for your child to have any inkling into the despair one can feel, and for them to never feel like they have missed out.  This is certainly one promise I made to myself when I gave birth to my son and to date, he has felt he is the luckiest boy around. There are moments I have to express that times are tough; we cannot afford things, and explain that he never really goes without. My son also knows that the study I am currently doing, as well as the various jobs I am doing are for us as a family.  I feel this is important for any child, no matter what the circumstance is so that they do not take anything for granted. There are too many children out there who are unappreciative of what their parents do for them and what life offers them as a result.

My big tip for planning when it comes to Christmas is to take advantage of the mid-year toy sales where they offer you the option to lay-by to Christmas Eve.  I have done this for many years and it is the only way I can survive and manage the financial side of things with Christmas. I get much joy out of giving and even more so now when I have many friends with children who are like family to me and I want to spoil them. I know I don’t have to, yet I choose to and I love doing it. By taking the lay-by option, this allows six months to pay off your purchase.  Obviously you cannot go extreme and by the whole shop (although the temptation might be there), we do need to stick to our set budgets. I make a list of the children and family members I buy for.  When the catalogues come out, I browse through them to get an idea, sometimes I check with the parents to make sure I am on track and have a set amount to spend on each before I enter the store.  I also make purchases throughout the year (even if I can’t really afford it) when items are on sale.  Quite often you can get something that is worth double what you pay and for me; I get much pleasure in knowing this.  Start the collection early and do not leave it all to the last-minute.

I guess for anyone and even more so for a single parent earning the only income to support their family, that PLANNING is the key. It has worked for me and I feel it should work for others.  In saying all this, sometimes nothing can help ease the pain of not having enough money to pay the bills, buy the presents, and have the array of food on the table and so on. This year I believe has been one of the hardest for me financially in the 10 years of being a single parent. I cannot explain why as I am working just as hard, if not more. Perhaps it is because the price of living keeps going up yet our pays does not – perhaps it is because my son is getting older and along with this comes a higher price tag.  There are associations out there that can help you, if you feel you are in dire straits and even if it is only for now you are feeling stressed and unable to do it all.

To start with as I have found through research is to start with contacting local charities and civic organisations to find out if they offer an outreach to the needy during the festive season. Churches can also offer assistance and if you belong to one why not call them and see if they can assist you.  Local communities often have their own Christmas drive, maybe give them a call and find out more and follow the leads they give you. If family members or friends offer you assistance in any way, do not feel ashamed of taking them up on it as I am sure if the shoe was on the other foot, it would be you helping them.

Some of the associations I know of are:

The Smith Family

Centrelink

The Salvation Army

To be honest, this year for the first time in 10 years, I have had to ask for help and advice. I contacted the Salvation Army (Salvos) after a friend of mine who has done volunteer work discussed it with me. I was not aware of the help they offer and was surprised in how loving, supportive an open-minded they are.  The big advice my friend gave me was to not feel ashamed.  This is something I struggled with as I am a very proud and independent person. I HAVE to do things on my own and find it hard to accept help when needed.  It took a lot for me to call the Salvos, yet I did and when I visited them, I was greeted by volunteers who made me a coffee and offered me a chocolate or muffin while I waited to speak with someone. I was trembling with nerves and fighting the voice inside telling me I should not be there. I was questioning everything and trying to analyse the situation. It was like a battlefield within my head with two opposing sides having their say.  Once I entered the office and the woman introduced herself to me, I was reassured I was ok and that what I was doing was ok. The female volunteer praised me for all I am doing for my son and the life we are living and again like my friend said to not feel ashamed of being there.  She then added, “We are here to help and although we cannot always do all we would like, we will do our best and sometimes that is just to listen to you”.  It was further explained the different sorts of options the Salvos are able to offer someone who is in need. For example, helping to pay a bill (if the bill is overdue and you have already asked for an extension), they also offer food hampers, gift hampers for children, bits and pieces depending on what they have in their office at the time. As I was waiting for my name to be called and after I had my meeting, I noticed all the different types of people visiting the Salvos. There were young and old, nicely and poorly dressed, a mix of races and cultures which was lovely to see the Salvos did not discriminate against anyone.  If you are someone in need, it does not matter where you come from or how you look. Some people were popping in just to get a free cup of tea or coffee and to see a friendly face and have someone ask how they were.

I left the Salvos with the information I needed and felt a sense of relief. The visit did not answer all my questions nor did it fix all of my problems, yet knowing a place like this existed was a breath of fresh air. I discussed the experience with my son and expressed the hesitation I was feeling.  He said to me, “Mum I think you should feel very proud”. I replied by asking him why he feels I should be proud. He said “You have looked after me on your own without ever really asking for help in 10 years. I think you should be very proud of yourself Mummy”.  Bless my darling boy!

I don’t think shame ought to be an emotion anyone should feel regardless of whether we have only asked for help once or many times. There are organisations, institutes and people from the general public who are there to help those in need and want to help. This could be because of financial hardship, emotional issues, employment, or just needing an ear to listen and hear our voice.

On this note, I would like to wish you all a Wonderful and Happy Christmas and may the New Year bring much love, laughter, happiness, light and peace into your lives and souls. A new year can mean a new beginning, a new journey or chapter in our lives.  Let us not dwell on the past, or wish the future away. Let us live in the NOW and make the most of what we have and remember that there are people far less fortunate than us. If we have one, two or a handful of people around us who love and support us, then how lucky are we.

Take care until next time

Love and light

Shelly xo