Tag Archives: Personal

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Apr 28 2018

PERSPECTIVE – OUR OWN STORY

Something that has become apparent to me and has helped my perception with my own story of late is that EVERYONE has THEIR own story. Regardless to how big or small, who are any of us to judge the significance of that story. No matter how old we are, what hurts, challenges and transforms us does not have any barrier to it.

It may be the loss of a love one or the waiting for the imminent to happen; your first broken heart or any heartache; losing a job or at times excruciatingly waiting for that next opportunity; a sufferer of abuse either it be from someone or to yourself. The mix of emotion no matter the action or feeling can be suffocating and there can sometimes be no words, no hug or embrace, no circumstance to help that sensation.

Besides from learning patience, another of my life’s lessons I feel has been understanding perspective (mind you the list of lessons is a mile long). I think it is very easy for someone who is struggling, has endured a ‘hard life’ or even just a challenging moment to be in the mindset of a victim.  It is easy to find blame or excuses or be inclined to use the term “why me”.

An article from Forbes brilliantly helps us to distinguish between a classic victim mindset versus a victor mindset by using a coin as a metaphor. One side of the coin is old and dull and represents the classic victim mindset. The other side is clean and bright representing the victor mindset.

If you’re in the victim mindset, you will be focusing on the toss of the coin to determine your outcomes and plans. The possibility is that it could land on the bright side and only we have the power to not put our perspective and life goals in the hands of flipping a coin in hope it lands on the right side.

Another article that articulates well the steps to take to gain perspective and get out of that feeling that life is spiralling away from us –  the ‘victim mindset’ is from A Conscious Rethink. How we choose to deal with hardship and calamities can be broken down to five steps:

  • Owning our mistakes – sometimes we are the bane of unwanted outcomes, however, that is ok because we are human. Own it and acknowledge that sometimes outcomes are beyond our control
  • Freeing yourself from the need of an emotional high of sympathy – Do not rely on a constant source of sympathy from those around you. Own your life and emotions and believe there is worth in all you do.
  • Free yourself of self-pity – Self-pity does not serve a purpose to anyone. When given to others it’s a case of “thank goodness its not me” or on the flip side “why me” and “poor me”. Turn this pattern around to offer compassion, admiration and tolerance to yourself and others.
  • The realisation you are not being judged – this is one of the hardest things to overcome. We need to accept and acknowledge what we are doing or have done. No matter how big the stuff up noticed or not, we can get out of the victimhood mentality and just be in the now and let things flow.
  • Review your life – look at all areas no matter how big or small, how significant or insignificant it is and start making notes. Mark down what turns you on and off, what career you want, the kind of people you like to hang around, what makes you smile and cry, what infuriates you and excites you, what you like to eat and drink and environments that you feel safe in or not. Assess the positives and negatives in your life, either it be in a physical or emotional form and start to align yourself with what is RIGHT for you. Don’t think about it or ponder too long, make the change and start now.

I was speaking with my twin the other day and we were talking about the ‘victims’ we’ve had in our lives and how influential they have been on ourselves and those around them. We understand it can be easy (or perhaps easier) to fall into that mindset and not take responsibility of what, why, when and how. We both realised areas in our lives or moments when we were both in the victimhood yet have acknowledged that mindset and have over time gained perspective.

We have assessed our lives and ourselves and continue to do so. We both want to be the best version of ourselves and hold on to that perspective that we all have a story. How we chose to read it and play it out is up to us. By doing this, we are providing a much healthier, happier, consistent, loving, spiritual and harmonious life for our children.

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“This world has chased saints and angels away. What you and I will not allow it to do is convince us we have no power over its ills. We are not victims of some amorphous, grinning Chance: we are gods of our own making.” ~ A Conscious ReThink

Jan 30 2017

HOPE

Stay patient and trust your journey

Keep faith all will be ok

Believe in hope as sometimes that’s all we’ve got

Make the most of it and give it your best shot

 

Emotional Rollercoaster, so tiring

Tears to fill the oceans of the world

Believe in hope as sometimes that’s all we’ve got

love for your child is what motivates the plot

 

Strive for positivity and try to avoid the demons

Anxiety and depressing can take your breath away

Believe in hope as sometimes that’s all we’ve got

can you hear it, change is not far its in earshot

 

Smile, laugh and love is there somewhere

Freedom to be is not far away

Believe in hope as sometimes that’s all we’ve got

Untangle the mess and never ending knot

 

Breathe, stop, take in the scent and be light

Wipe the tears and fix that heart

Believe in hope as sometimes that’s all we’ve got

Hold onto that love, it drives you, he’s your mascot

 

 

Nov 8 2016

LOSING THE DISTANT PARENT – Part 1

Every now and then I gasp for air, I’ve lost my breath and my heart feels heavy. Losing my father has taken me by surprise, more so than I had anticipated. Just now as I was working away and had to fill in security questions, it asked what my father’s middle name was. Bang, it hits me, this thing called grief and the tears flowed so unexpectedly.

It has only been seven months since my Dad has passed and so much has happened in my life since then that I feel I haven’t quite had the time to let go and fully grasp that I have lost a parent. At times, it can be conflicting. Conflicting because he hadn’t actually been in my life for years. I mean, I always sent him a Christmas and birthday message and politely he would reply back with a thank you but we were estranged. Our relationship had certainly been tested what felt like my lifetime, yet with many magical and loving memories along with heartache and sorrow.

Those around me I felt didn’t expect me to get so upset, or perhaps narrowing that down to immediate family because he had been absent and classified “not a great father” so to understand the grief I felt was hard to ascertain. I have felt alone with my sorrow on most points and it’s been hard. My son has been lovely and has tried to understand my loss. We both connect in having the absent father and in some ways, it can often be only he and I that are on that same page. In particular, it’s be hard on days like today when I’m hit with sadness knowing I will never speak to him again. I’ll never hear his accent or English humour nor will l ever hear him sing or play his guitar which was a highlight in my life.

What is good is that I don’t live in regret. I know all that could have been done and tried my end was done and I am at peace with that. In his last years arriving back in the UK after living in the USA for many years, so very unwell, allowed me to let go of the hurt and disappointment. It served no purpose for me or for him as he couldn’t remember anyways. Although through distance, we regained a connection, we spoke regularly and at times terribly hard to listen to his confusion and pain, we connected. He still called me “Shellybubba” at times and always thanked me for calling and returned my love you.’

On our last conversation, it wasn’t too long which was normally the case, however, it will be the one I will always remember. You see, I hadn’t called for a couple of weeks, partly due to my life crumbling apart with my own issues but also I was in fear he would forget me. I couldn’t face that he wouldn’t remember me, his daughter. After the years of heartache, feeling he wasn’t there physically or emotionally, the selfishness, the silent abuse, the manipulation – whatever it was, I was his daughter and we loved each other no matter what.

I called and we spoke about nothing really as it was hard to make a conversation with him many of the times. Sometimes better than others but often my questions were met with one word answers and then he’d become confused and excuse himself off the phone. It often broke my heart to hear what once was a strong, forthcoming, extremely intelligent man talk like a child and feel so confused. I apologised for not calling and tried to explain my reasoning and then admitted to my fear of him forgetting me with a quiver in my voice and obvious I had tears. There was a moment, this beautiful moment where he became the dad again and me the little girl. He said, “Shellybubba, I would never forget you, never. Come on now, stop those tears” and then he was gone. Back to the confused soul needing to get off the phone and go back to his comfort zone in the home. We said goodbye and told each other we loved one another.

I will never again have a Dad, my Dad here, even if absent, he’s gone.

💚 💚 💚

Oct 26 2016

Penny for your thoughts…

If you’re anything like me, silence can be deafening.

I remember as a child going to meditation camps and struggling so hard with the daily routine of zoning out, finding our Zen and just being – quiet. I have always battled with the concept of stillness and quietness. In reflection, I found/find silence to be empty in some way. A feeling of isolation perhaps and freedom for my mind to wander more than usual which definitely at times can be detrimental.

You have a moment to be still, to stop and reflect, recharge or just be. The music is not playing, the television is off, you’re home alone or the kids are sleeping, at school, entertaining themselves and all is quiet – but it’s not.

You can hear the windchime’s melody; the traffic in the distance; the train pulling into the station which is kilometres away; the neighbours garage door opening/closing as they leave or come home for the day; the clock aguishly ticking or the monotone sound of that tap dripping.

Depending on the time of day if all is “quiet” you could hear those around you leaving for work and the sound of the car engine running as it warms up;  the shower running as loved ones or roomies prepare for their day; the school bell ringing its tune hustling the children to class; buses pulling in and out of their stops collecting passengers to or from work; the sound of an email being received on the computer or phone; the motorbike idling as the postman delivers the mail.

The twittering of a minor bird or the screeching of a cockatoo; helicopters hovering over nearby motorways monitoring the traffic flow; the laughter and screams of delighted kids coming home after school; the cat meowing to come in for her nightly feed; the neighbouring dogs chatting through a bark; the clinking of dishes in ready for the evening meal; the waves and chime tones sonorously through the phone’s speaker to help you sleep.

We are surrounded by noise and there is no escaping that fact. It’s how we choose to deal with that noise if at all. There are many who wouldn’t put any thought into the sounds that surround them. Then there are those who are like me and have struggled with the quiet.  We need to learn to embrace the silence.

When thinking about it, we are never truly alone as we will always be accompanied by sound. As I continue on my transformation path (it’s lifelong), and while I continue to learn, change and reflect, I am learning to appreciate the little things. This is something I want to teach my son, that being still and listening to what is around you could in fact have the answers you need. With the stress of exams, study, learning life’s lessons, having silence can be a great thing for him – for all of us!

“Silence isn’t empty. It’s full of answers”.

Love, light & snuggles 🙂

Oct 22 2016

Have a coffee, you deserve it!

 

“That horrifying moment when you’re looking for an adult, but you realize you are an adult. So you look around for an older adult. An adultier adult. Someone better at adulting than you.” — Unknown

If you’re like me, sometimes just the smell of coffee is enough to get a pounce in my step let alone taste it on my tongue.

Often I don’t get that fix until later in the day and when I do, I savour it. It’s my treat and my moment, its ME time.

If it’s not coffee, it could be tea, exercise, the morning paper, chocolate, a great book, lying in a park looking up at the sky – whatever it is, we all have something that gets us through the day…to get us through adulting.

There is too much emphasis on how to be an adult at times, let alone how to be a responsible parent. On top of this we are terribly time poor, more now than ever. Adding to the pressure is the multitudes of hats we wear. We can lose our identity quite quickly and the innocence of being.

This gives more reason to take that time – your time, to recharge the batteries, savour that coffee, take a breath of fresh air. It’s amazing how much we can accomplish when we reward ourselves, no matter how small.

Enjoy your day! Have that coffee, or whatever it is that keeps you going in this grown up phase called ‘ADULTING’.

Love, light & snuggles 🙂