It has been some time since I have last written a post and I am now finding myself in a space to write and share what has been happening in my world of late.
I had all hopes that 2012 was going to be “the year” and enough of the bad and bring on the good. I do not mean or want to sound negative in saying that line, however so far…the year has continued to be challenging. What does surprise me is the personal journey I am on and even though I can be at my all-time low, I still manage (within time), to pick myself up and just get on with it.
At the end of last year as I had expressed in my last post, times were tough financially and I did manage to get through Christmas and the holidays and surprisingly, have now caught up on most of my bills. Mind you, this was achieved by a very minimal social life for moi and budgeting greatly to achieve this, and there is a great feeling knowing I did it. At the same time of dealing with finances, I was studying throughout the Christmas season which is always a killer. When you study via distance, there is no break, no time off to relax and really get away as the pending assignment is always hanging over your head. In particular when you study in semester four which is the festive season, you are also dealing with the body and mind winding down as it is exhausted and requires time to re-coup for the start of the New Year. What I found is I had lost my mojo; my mojo with life, studies and worse, with myself. During this time of year, I became very ill and almost had a meltdown; well I did have a meltdown and was extremely depressed. I had major digestive issues; in fact I started the year literally having to have treatment to assist this problem. I was under guidance from my God Mother who is a neuropath and another specialist in the area and with some patience; I am slowly getting on top of it. It was as though I was living on adrenalin and I came crashing down big time to an enormous thump.
My work situation has declined in a major way and from working with three people having a stress free job, two have left leaving me to manage the situation, all mind you without being compensated for my efforts and time. I do praise myself for having a high work ethic and strong morals and because of this, I am doing everything within my power to keep the organisation afloat in my region although I am not always acknowledged for it. Yes I get a ‘thank you’ but this can only go so far when the pressure keeps building and the expectations of management keep rising. My motto now for my employers is “I am doing my best and will always endeavour to do my best”. This is a true statement and one I believe in, however it is costing me on an emotional and physical level. I was out of the blue offered the “perfect job “without even looking for it yet sadly, the universe served me a curve ball and what I thought was my light in saviour – didn’t happen. I looked at what could possibly be positive about this scenario and what I discovered is that the situation allowed me to find strength to face my current work situation and actually say no to the acting up role they proposed. I had to put my studies and my son first which both had been affected by the turmoil in my current work place. In saying that, I am still doing the “acting up” role but now without extra pay so we can see the one winner here…not me. I am dealing with the situation (for now) and I am aware and grateful knowing it is assisting in paying for a roof over our heads and am allowing the universe for things to come my way – good or bad, we have a choice.
I have distanced myself from friends, my self-esteem sadly is at its lowest and at times, I feel as though I have been a horrible mother due to my lack of patience. I do anything for my boy and he is and always will be my priority and I guess this is something we can thrive on, to pick ourselves up and get on with it. The one thing my son made me promise is that I play with him more as I promised it last year and didn’t fulfil it. So far, I’m doing ok and he isn’t complaining so that is a tick to me. I am still a work in progress, yet I know I am very loved, I am blessed with the most amazing people in my life and I respect them. I have a wonderful family who I adore and my son is the light in my life and the most precious gift I have ever received.
I am not sure just yet, how to get the smile permanently back on my face. I am doing small things like increasing my visits to the gym, eating healthy and keeping my goals in sight so I never lose sight of them. I do believe it is an inner attitude and something I need to face and concur myself. I know I am not alone as so many of us have our bouts of depression and sadness and sometimes there is not a real reason of why it is happening only that it is. Being a single parent, we do not have that ‘other’ person to talk to as in a partner to share our lives. It is us and our children and this alone can be daunting, sad and frustrating.
Valentine’s Day is just another marketing ploy really and every day, not just 14th February should be about making that special someone knows they are loved, respected and cherished. Sadly however, due to all the hype, it does make that notion of being ‘single ‘more apparent and I personally felt it this year. I did ask a few of my special little souls in my life (aged, 3, 5, 7 & 10) to be my Valentine with the offering of chocolate in the shape of kisses. The kids were stoked to receive something naughty and their smiles made a difference. I did get a cup of tea
from my boy (with promoting) brought to me in bed in the morning and then the day progressed like any other normal day. I guess the moral of the story is, we make the most of what we have. Next year could bring something new, something wild and exciting, something full of happiness and possibilities. The same could be said for next month, next week and even tomorrow. Now I have had my little therapy in expressing all this to you and have given myself the pep talk needed, I shall get on with my day, trying to wear that smile proud and wishing you all the love and light for your next day, next week and so on.
Until next time…
Love, Light and Peace 🙂