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PERSPECTIVE – OUR OWN STORY

Something that has become apparent to me and has helped my perception with my own story of late is that EVERYONE has THEIR own story. Regardless to how big or small, who are any of us to judge the significance of that story. No matter how old we are, what hurts, challenges and transforms us does not have any barrier to it.

It may be the loss of a love one or the waiting for the imminent to happen; your first broken heart or any heartache; losing a job or at times excruciatingly waiting for that next opportunity; a sufferer of abuse either it be from someone or to yourself. The mix of emotion no matter the action or feeling can be suffocating and there can sometimes be no words, no hug or embrace, no circumstance to help that sensation.

Besides from learning patience, another of my life’s lessons I feel has been understanding perspective (mind you the list of lessons is a mile long). I think it is very easy for someone who is struggling, has endured a ‘hard life’ or even just a challenging moment to be in the mindset of a victim.  It is easy to find blame or excuses or be inclined to use the term “why me”.

An article from Forbes brilliantly helps us to distinguish between a classic victim mindset versus a victor mindset by using a coin as a metaphor. One side of the coin is old and dull and represents the classic victim mindset. The other side is clean and bright representing the victor mindset.

If you’re in the victim mindset, you will be focusing on the toss of the coin to determine your outcomes and plans. The possibility is that it could land on the bright side and only we have the power to not put our perspective and life goals in the hands of flipping a coin in hope it lands on the right side.

Another article that articulates well the steps to take to gain perspective and get out of that feeling that life is spiralling away from us –  the ‘victim mindset’ is from A Conscious Rethink. How we choose to deal with hardship and calamities can be broken down to five steps:

  • Owning our mistakes – sometimes we are the bane of unwanted outcomes, however, that is ok because we are human. Own it and acknowledge that sometimes outcomes are beyond our control
  • Freeing yourself from the need of an emotional high of sympathy – Do not rely on a constant source of sympathy from those around you. Own your life and emotions and believe there is worth in all you do.
  • Free yourself of self-pity – Self-pity does not serve a purpose to anyone. When given to others it’s a case of “thank goodness its not me” or on the flip side “why me” and “poor me”. Turn this pattern around to offer compassion, admiration and tolerance to yourself and others.
  • The realisation you are not being judged – this is one of the hardest things to overcome. We need to accept and acknowledge what we are doing or have done. No matter how big the stuff up noticed or not, we can get out of the victimhood mentality and just be in the now and let things flow.
  • Review your life – look at all areas no matter how big or small, how significant or insignificant it is and start making notes. Mark down what turns you on and off, what career you want, the kind of people you like to hang around, what makes you smile and cry, what infuriates you and excites you, what you like to eat and drink and environments that you feel safe in or not. Assess the positives and negatives in your life, either it be in a physical or emotional form and start to align yourself with what is RIGHT for you. Don’t think about it or ponder too long, make the change and start now.

I was speaking with my twin the other day and we were talking about the ‘victims’ we’ve had in our lives and how influential they have been on ourselves and those around them. We understand it can be easy (or perhaps easier) to fall into that mindset and not take responsibility of what, why, when and how. We both realised areas in our lives or moments when we were both in the victimhood yet have acknowledged that mindset and have over time gained perspective.

We have assessed our lives and ourselves and continue to do so. We both want to be the best version of ourselves and hold on to that perspective that we all have a story. How we chose to read it and play it out is up to us. By doing this, we are providing a much healthier, happier, consistent, loving, spiritual and harmonious life for our children.

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“This world has chased saints and angels away. What you and I will not allow it to do is convince us we have no power over its ills. We are not victims of some amorphous, grinning Chance: we are gods of our own making.” ~ A Conscious ReThink

HOPE

Stay patient and trust your journey

Keep faith all will be ok

Believe in hope as sometimes that’s all we’ve got

Make the most of it and give it your best shot

 

Emotional Rollercoaster, so tiring

Tears to fill the oceans of the world

Believe in hope as sometimes that’s all we’ve got

love for your child is what motivates the plot

 

Strive for positivity and try to avoid the demons

Anxiety and depressing can take your breath away

Believe in hope as sometimes that’s all we’ve got

can you hear it, change is not far its in earshot

 

Smile, laugh and love is there somewhere

Freedom to be is not far away

Believe in hope as sometimes that’s all we’ve got

Untangle the mess and never ending knot

 

Breathe, stop, take in the scent and be light

Wipe the tears and fix that heart

Believe in hope as sometimes that’s all we’ve got

Hold onto that love, it drives you, he’s your mascot

 

 

LOSING THE DISTANT PARENT – Part 1

Every now and then I gasp for air, I’ve lost my breath and my heart feels heavy. Losing my father has taken me by surprise, more so than I had anticipated. Just now as I was working away and had to fill in security questions, it asked what my father’s middle name was. Bang, it hits me, this thing called grief and the tears flowed so unexpectedly.

It has only been seven months since my Dad has passed and so much has happened in my life since then that I feel I haven’t quite had the time to let go and fully grasp that I have lost a parent. At times, it can be conflicting. Conflicting because he hadn’t actually been in my life for years. I mean, I always sent him a Christmas and birthday message and politely he would reply back with a thank you but we were estranged. Our relationship had certainly been tested what felt like my lifetime, yet with many magical and loving memories along with heartache and sorrow.

Those around me I felt didn’t expect me to get so upset, or perhaps narrowing that down to immediate family because he had been absent and classified “not a great father” so to understand the grief I felt was hard to ascertain. I have felt alone with my sorrow on most points and it’s been hard. My son has been lovely and has tried to understand my loss. We both connect in having the absent father and in some ways, it can often be only he and I that are on that same page. In particular, it’s be hard on days like today when I’m hit with sadness knowing I will never speak to him again. I’ll never hear his accent or English humour nor will l ever hear him sing or play his guitar which was a highlight in my life.

What is good is that I don’t live in regret. I know all that could have been done and tried my end was done and I am at peace with that. In his last years arriving back in the UK after living in the USA for many years, so very unwell, allowed me to let go of the hurt and disappointment. It served no purpose for me or for him as he couldn’t remember anyways. Although through distance, we regained a connection, we spoke regularly and at times terribly hard to listen to his confusion and pain, we connected. He still called me “Shellybubba” at times and always thanked me for calling and returned my love you.’

On our last conversation, it wasn’t too long which was normally the case, however, it will be the one I will always remember. You see, I hadn’t called for a couple of weeks, partly due to my life crumbling apart with my own issues but also I was in fear he would forget me. I couldn’t face that he wouldn’t remember me, his daughter. After the years of heartache, feeling he wasn’t there physically or emotionally, the selfishness, the silent abuse, the manipulation – whatever it was, I was his daughter and we loved each other no matter what.

I called and we spoke about nothing really as it was hard to make a conversation with him many of the times. Sometimes better than others but often my questions were met with one word answers and then he’d become confused and excuse himself off the phone. It often broke my heart to hear what once was a strong, forthcoming, extremely intelligent man talk like a child and feel so confused. I apologised for not calling and tried to explain my reasoning and then admitted to my fear of him forgetting me with a quiver in my voice and obvious I had tears. There was a moment, this beautiful moment where he became the dad again and me the little girl. He said, “Shellybubba, I would never forget you, never. Come on now, stop those tears” and then he was gone. Back to the confused soul needing to get off the phone and go back to his comfort zone in the home. We said goodbye and told each other we loved one another.

I will never again have a Dad, my Dad here, even if absent, he’s gone.

💚 💚 💚

Penny for your thoughts…

If you’re anything like me, silence can be deafening.

I remember as a child going to meditation camps and struggling so hard with the daily routine of zoning out, finding our Zen and just being – quiet. I have always battled with the concept of stillness and quietness. In reflection, I found/find silence to be empty in some way. A feeling of isolation perhaps and freedom for my mind to wander more than usual which definitely at times can be detrimental.

You have a moment to be still, to stop and reflect, recharge or just be. The music is not playing, the television is off, you’re home alone or the kids are sleeping, at school, entertaining themselves and all is quiet – but it’s not.

You can hear the windchime’s melody; the traffic in the distance; the train pulling into the station which is kilometres away; the neighbours garage door opening/closing as they leave or come home for the day; the clock aguishly ticking or the monotone sound of that tap dripping.

Depending on the time of day if all is “quiet” you could hear those around you leaving for work and the sound of the car engine running as it warms up;  the shower running as loved ones or roomies prepare for their day; the school bell ringing its tune hustling the children to class; buses pulling in and out of their stops collecting passengers to or from work; the sound of an email being received on the computer or phone; the motorbike idling as the postman delivers the mail.

The twittering of a minor bird or the screeching of a cockatoo; helicopters hovering over nearby motorways monitoring the traffic flow; the laughter and screams of delighted kids coming home after school; the cat meowing to come in for her nightly feed; the neighbouring dogs chatting through a bark; the clinking of dishes in ready for the evening meal; the waves and chime tones sonorously through the phone’s speaker to help you sleep.

We are surrounded by noise and there is no escaping that fact. It’s how we choose to deal with that noise if at all. There are many who wouldn’t put any thought into the sounds that surround them. Then there are those who are like me and have struggled with the quiet.  We need to learn to embrace the silence.

When thinking about it, we are never truly alone as we will always be accompanied by sound. As I continue on my transformation path (it’s lifelong), and while I continue to learn, change and reflect, I am learning to appreciate the little things. This is something I want to teach my son, that being still and listening to what is around you could in fact have the answers you need. With the stress of exams, study, learning life’s lessons, having silence can be a great thing for him – for all of us!

“Silence isn’t empty. It’s full of answers”.

Love, light & snuggles 🙂

I had a good day

My last post was quite raw, insightful and dark. The element of support that has accumulated from the post has been on many levels and I’m increasingly appreciative of the love given (thank you!). Some of the feedback received has indicated that although the post moved them, some even to tears, it was heavy, powerful and a sad read.

With that in mind, I felt it was in order to keep things this time upbeat and share with you not all things are doom and gloom and that people who suffer whatever it may be, do have moments of sunshine, smile and can feel happy.

I had a good day…

One of my current challenges is to lose weight and get my fitness back on track. My weigh in day is on the weekend although I don’t make it weekly. Why? I try to tell myself it’s due to other commitments, which has an element of truth, however, the other side of it is because of fear. Fear = gained weight = failure but that’s another story. On this day I had set my alarm with the intent of going. If I have gained or had a loss I will be fine no matter the outcome (this was a mantra the night before). I had also made a point that I was going to my son, a major motivating factor. I did get up – pat on the back. Once at the weigh in that is also like a support and information group, I was among like-minded people who are committed to changing their lives and finding happiness within themselves – this gives me comfort. On this particular day, I was rather chatty (not unlike me generally) but I had let go of some walls and opened up a little to other members where we shared further insights into our lives and challenges. I felt comfortable, I felt supported. I treated myself to a proper coffee and with my small loss (no failure – bonus) I headed home to share with my son who anticipates my result.

I had a good day….

Once back home and knowing I needed to get to the shops I decided to walk.  I had the time and wanted to keep the momentum going from the morning. I love this walk through the university and local parklands. I took different routes up and back as both offered their own beauty and significance. The journey up was through the streets onto parklands, finding my own little oasis, ignoring any outside influences such as traffic, pedestrians and machinery. I had my headphones in listening to music which transports me to other places and is my mood changer. I was in the zone, I had a beat in my step and I felt surprisingly good.

I had a good day…

I pottered knowing I had time on my side. I bumped into my best friend and received a snuggle which was an extra bonus. I met with another dear friend where we chattered away over coffee talking about nothing in particular but covering everything.

I had a good day…

Walking home I took the university route. I simply love this way home. There are umpteenth varieties of bird life; the grass always seems so green; the calibre of people range from students through to dignitaries, locals, families, international guests and at times depending on the crowd and the weather, you can be mistaken of being in a foreign land – yet it is in my backyard. I stopped to take photos, to cherish what was around me, in front and behind me.

I had a good day…

Once home I met my twin brother and gave him a massage (an old trade of mine) to help his aching bones. We then chattered and laughed and felt freedom to just be who we are and more importantly with each other.  We talked, again it was about everything and nothing. It was nice, comforting would be the word, an essence of home both in presence and in spirit with my brother and my feelings. I was allowed to feel, to express with no judgement and reflect on the day.

I had a good day…

The famous saying “it’s the simple things that count and make us happy” couldn’t be any truer for me this day. It was the loss, although small I had accomplished something. It was shedding some walls and opening myself up to a support group with like-minded people. It was making the decision to walk to the shops and not drive and take in my surroundings and feeling appreciative with my environment and what I have in my backyard. It was catching up with dear darling friends and grabbing those extra snuggles that mean so much (I can never get enough). It was having precious time with my brother and feeling the freedom to be me no matter if it was to shed a tear, be silly, share a laugh and without judgement. It was finishing the day collecting my son from work and getting that final snuggle of the day from the one who most holds my heart.

I had a good day!

I hope you’re finding strength in the small things. Each step you take moving forward is a success.

Love, light and snuggles 🙂