Tag Archives: Family

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Apr 28 2018

PERSPECTIVE – OUR OWN STORY

Something that has become apparent to me and has helped my perception with my own story of late is that EVERYONE has THEIR own story. Regardless to how big or small, who are any of us to judge the significance of that story. No matter how old we are, what hurts, challenges and transforms us does not have any barrier to it.

It may be the loss of a love one or the waiting for the imminent to happen; your first broken heart or any heartache; losing a job or at times excruciatingly waiting for that next opportunity; a sufferer of abuse either it be from someone or to yourself. The mix of emotion no matter the action or feeling can be suffocating and there can sometimes be no words, no hug or embrace, no circumstance to help that sensation.

Besides from learning patience, another of my life’s lessons I feel has been understanding perspective (mind you the list of lessons is a mile long). I think it is very easy for someone who is struggling, has endured a ‘hard life’ or even just a challenging moment to be in the mindset of a victim.  It is easy to find blame or excuses or be inclined to use the term “why me”.

An article from Forbes brilliantly helps us to distinguish between a classic victim mindset versus a victor mindset by using a coin as a metaphor. One side of the coin is old and dull and represents the classic victim mindset. The other side is clean and bright representing the victor mindset.

If you’re in the victim mindset, you will be focusing on the toss of the coin to determine your outcomes and plans. The possibility is that it could land on the bright side and only we have the power to not put our perspective and life goals in the hands of flipping a coin in hope it lands on the right side.

Another article that articulates well the steps to take to gain perspective and get out of that feeling that life is spiralling away from us –  the ‘victim mindset’ is from A Conscious Rethink. How we choose to deal with hardship and calamities can be broken down to five steps:

  • Owning our mistakes – sometimes we are the bane of unwanted outcomes, however, that is ok because we are human. Own it and acknowledge that sometimes outcomes are beyond our control
  • Freeing yourself from the need of an emotional high of sympathy – Do not rely on a constant source of sympathy from those around you. Own your life and emotions and believe there is worth in all you do.
  • Free yourself of self-pity – Self-pity does not serve a purpose to anyone. When given to others it’s a case of “thank goodness its not me” or on the flip side “why me” and “poor me”. Turn this pattern around to offer compassion, admiration and tolerance to yourself and others.
  • The realisation you are not being judged – this is one of the hardest things to overcome. We need to accept and acknowledge what we are doing or have done. No matter how big the stuff up noticed or not, we can get out of the victimhood mentality and just be in the now and let things flow.
  • Review your life – look at all areas no matter how big or small, how significant or insignificant it is and start making notes. Mark down what turns you on and off, what career you want, the kind of people you like to hang around, what makes you smile and cry, what infuriates you and excites you, what you like to eat and drink and environments that you feel safe in or not. Assess the positives and negatives in your life, either it be in a physical or emotional form and start to align yourself with what is RIGHT for you. Don’t think about it or ponder too long, make the change and start now.

I was speaking with my twin the other day and we were talking about the ‘victims’ we’ve had in our lives and how influential they have been on ourselves and those around them. We understand it can be easy (or perhaps easier) to fall into that mindset and not take responsibility of what, why, when and how. We both realised areas in our lives or moments when we were both in the victimhood yet have acknowledged that mindset and have over time gained perspective.

We have assessed our lives and ourselves and continue to do so. We both want to be the best version of ourselves and hold on to that perspective that we all have a story. How we chose to read it and play it out is up to us. By doing this, we are providing a much healthier, happier, consistent, loving, spiritual and harmonious life for our children.

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“This world has chased saints and angels away. What you and I will not allow it to do is convince us we have no power over its ills. We are not victims of some amorphous, grinning Chance: we are gods of our own making.” ~ A Conscious ReThink

Nov 8 2016

LOSING THE DISTANT PARENT – Part 1

Every now and then I gasp for air, I’ve lost my breath and my heart feels heavy. Losing my father has taken me by surprise, more so than I had anticipated. Just now as I was working away and had to fill in security questions, it asked what my father’s middle name was. Bang, it hits me, this thing called grief and the tears flowed so unexpectedly.

It has only been seven months since my Dad has passed and so much has happened in my life since then that I feel I haven’t quite had the time to let go and fully grasp that I have lost a parent. At times, it can be conflicting. Conflicting because he hadn’t actually been in my life for years. I mean, I always sent him a Christmas and birthday message and politely he would reply back with a thank you but we were estranged. Our relationship had certainly been tested what felt like my lifetime, yet with many magical and loving memories along with heartache and sorrow.

Those around me I felt didn’t expect me to get so upset, or perhaps narrowing that down to immediate family because he had been absent and classified “not a great father” so to understand the grief I felt was hard to ascertain. I have felt alone with my sorrow on most points and it’s been hard. My son has been lovely and has tried to understand my loss. We both connect in having the absent father and in some ways, it can often be only he and I that are on that same page. In particular, it’s be hard on days like today when I’m hit with sadness knowing I will never speak to him again. I’ll never hear his accent or English humour nor will l ever hear him sing or play his guitar which was a highlight in my life.

What is good is that I don’t live in regret. I know all that could have been done and tried my end was done and I am at peace with that. In his last years arriving back in the UK after living in the USA for many years, so very unwell, allowed me to let go of the hurt and disappointment. It served no purpose for me or for him as he couldn’t remember anyways. Although through distance, we regained a connection, we spoke regularly and at times terribly hard to listen to his confusion and pain, we connected. He still called me “Shellybubba” at times and always thanked me for calling and returned my love you.’

On our last conversation, it wasn’t too long which was normally the case, however, it will be the one I will always remember. You see, I hadn’t called for a couple of weeks, partly due to my life crumbling apart with my own issues but also I was in fear he would forget me. I couldn’t face that he wouldn’t remember me, his daughter. After the years of heartache, feeling he wasn’t there physically or emotionally, the selfishness, the silent abuse, the manipulation – whatever it was, I was his daughter and we loved each other no matter what.

I called and we spoke about nothing really as it was hard to make a conversation with him many of the times. Sometimes better than others but often my questions were met with one word answers and then he’d become confused and excuse himself off the phone. It often broke my heart to hear what once was a strong, forthcoming, extremely intelligent man talk like a child and feel so confused. I apologised for not calling and tried to explain my reasoning and then admitted to my fear of him forgetting me with a quiver in my voice and obvious I had tears. There was a moment, this beautiful moment where he became the dad again and me the little girl. He said, “Shellybubba, I would never forget you, never. Come on now, stop those tears” and then he was gone. Back to the confused soul needing to get off the phone and go back to his comfort zone in the home. We said goodbye and told each other we loved one another.

I will never again have a Dad, my Dad here, even if absent, he’s gone.

💚 💚 💚

Feb 24 2015

THANK YOU FOR THE SIMPLE THINGS…

A crisis as described by Lifeline is when someone has a personal reaction to an event or experience in their life they find hard to cope with.

In my lifetime so far…I’ve had quite a few crisis’s and each time you survive, you feel stronger yet question why the hell you had to go through it. In time you will reflect of them and yourself to help clarify things but there will always be unanswered questions.

Recently I’ve been facing another crisis and it’s been tough. I heard a woman on a TV program the other day going through something similar who said “I feel sorry for people without children as my child is what keeps me going – what do they have?”

My son is my reason, my rock, my everything and he is my purpose. He is why I get up in the morning, why I work so hard to do all I can to provide for him and create opportunities for our survival even if I get knocked down and at times fail.

There are other factors that have assisted in my purpose, my strength, my being, my courage, the occasional smile and the snippets of positiveness. These factors are simple and sometimes small but in the scheme of things they are HUGE.

‘It’s the simple things that mean the most!’

I’m sure many of you can relate. Possibly you’ve got a family who has offered to pay a bill or help with rent. Maybe you’ve had a Mum who does what she can by offering you love and affection and may help to pay for your child’s school camp and medication. I’m sure you’ve had at some point a best friend who feels she isn’t doing much but the fact she is calling every second day to check on you is more than you could ever ask for.

What about when your fridge broke down in the midst of this crisis and the refrigeration mechanic after spending time chatting takes some money off the amount he quoted you. He tells you to spend it on something else. You do.  You buy that part for the vacuum finally and can now clean your house and doesn’t it look and feel fabulous.

Maybe it’s the random phone call or the out of the blue gesture that helps you feel real, human, alive and grateful. It could be that dear friend who shouts you a coffee or offers you a day’s work more often than normal just to give you that extra cash to help you through.

It is the simple things that can make you smile even if it is for a moment. The simple things that help you feel loved and cared for.

For the simple things that mean so much – THANK YOU – you know who you are! xo

Feb 21 2015

Sometimes pain can be our best teacher…

Teardrops fall upon your face
The smile that once shined fades,
The laughter that deafened friend’s ears
Now silenced and frayed.

The pain takes its toll
Signs are starting to show,
The heart is wanting to give
But must beat for the blood to flow.

Your faith in hope has weakened
Eyes tired and your energy is low,
Your child keeps you going…just
That brave face is on show.

The signs will start to fade away
That smile will resurface…eventually,
Tears will dry, the sun will shine
the child will be your remedy.

Feb 5 2013

I DID IT!

image from horseshoepets.com

image from horseshoepets.com

How I’ve missed writing for my Blog and writing in general!  Here we are well into 2013 and what an eventful year it has been already.

At the end of November 2012, after endless sleepless nights, hours and hours of studying, hair pulling, tantrums, tears, exasperation, elation, highs and lows, not to mention the physical toll it took on my body, I finished my communications degree. It then wasn’t to mid January 2013 that I found out my fate, which was that I had indeed gained the marks I needed for my final two units to complete my degree and now I am waiting for my official invitation to the graduation in July.  I DID IT! OMG I did it and I’m not quite sure how I did, but I did and the feeling is amazing yet somewhat confusing.

image from deepbox.com

image from deepbox.com

I am not sure if it has hit me yet, the fact I have finished. I mean I know I am no longer opening up text books, responding to discussion forums, writing into the wee hours of the night to complete assignments and studying up for exams – that of course is obvious, yet somewhere within me I’m struggling to adjust. My body is still on the same time clock of the ridiculous hours I kept and the lack of sleep. I’m feeling somewhat lost in not knowing what is next. I am missing my connections with my fellow university students and that feeling of truly accomplishing something.  Its crazy isn’t it! After 3 years of studying fulltime, working 3 jobs, raising a child on my own and all the other bits in between of managing, I should be ecstatic that I now have time to reflect, adjust, catch up and relax and more importantly to be a good mother to my son. I am not saying I wasn’t a good mother, as I know I was, but he was neglected to a degree as any spare time was taken up with studying or working. I did thrive for a balance and I feel in parts I achieved this and I also know deep down the end result was always in the back of our minds, and that there was a reason for all the sacrifices made.

301472_10151109792581553_1711493253_n-1As I take this time to reflect on my recent journey, I am realising what I have discovered and learnt goes way beyond the units I studied in my degree.  I found that there is much more to life than what is put in front of us. Knowledge goes further than the books we read, the papers we skim over or the television shows we watch.  We can become complacent in the mundane things in life, and that is ok, yet there is so much more out there in the big wide world to be exposed to, to absorb, and be exposed to. I truly believe now, that with determination, motivations, discipline, and making sure you surround yourself with wonderful loving people that anything is possible. It could be the smallest of goals or something on a larger scale, yet if it is something that you truly want, then there should not be anything stopping you in achieving it – YOU CAN DO IT!

From the depths of my heart I would publicly like to thank my amazing family, my wonderful friends, my beautiful university friends and to all who have supported me throughout this adventure. Your unconditional love, motivation, encouragement, ears for listening, your spoken words, the countless snuggles you have supplied and for believing in me…

I LOVE YOU and THANK YOU! XO